Come on, old man.
We’ve done this a million times before.
I can’t believe we let them talk us into another one of these.
In principle, sure - quarterly all-hands sound like a good idea.
A chance to rally the troops, celebrate success.
But really?
We’re so close to retirement. Do I really need to keep showing up for these?
Shut up. Yes, you do. You can’t afford to retire. If you wanted peace and quiet, why’d you marry the second wife?
Five more years.
Five more years, and then we’re done.
Alright. Game time.
Big smile. Give ’em your trademark “Hello everyone!”
Tell them to interrupt you anytime with questions - and then let it hang, awkwardly, as you stare down anyone foolish enough to try.
I probably should’ve looked at the slides Amanda put together.
But how bad can it be? It’s your company. You’re the CEO. You know everything about your company… right?
Well, I should. I’ve been at all those weekly leadership calls.
Weird we keep calling it “leadership,” as if I’d ever let them decide how to execute by themselves. No, no - they’ll follow like their mortgage depends on it.
Can’t call it “management,” though.
What is this, IBM? Not doing that again!
Focus.
Right. Nearly the end of the year. Time to talk about “how we did” and “the road ahead.”
Ah yes - the old tightrope walk.
Things are great! Happy clients, exciting projects, bright future ahead.
Just - don’t leave. Don’t leave me. Please, God, don’t quit.
But not too great. Don’t want anyone getting ideas.
Every year it’s the same damn question: “What about pay increases?”
What about them? Start your own damn company. You try making payroll every. Single. Month.
Do they even know how hard it is?
Stay on track.
Tell them we’ve got a great sales team-our funnel… no, our pipeline - is looking healthy.
Complete confidence.
In fact, we’ve already got most of next year booked.
Well… almost.
Verbal commitments. Nothing on paper, per se, but you know… Strong growth signals.
Thread the needle.
Amazing results.
Exciting future.
Constant crisis - now’s not the time to be spending money on frivolous things like bonuses, raises, or a Christmas party.
I mean, it’s not like it’s my fault - it’s the market.
“External economic factors.”
“The federal government…” - a real crowd-pleaser.
“People just aren’t spending right now.”
Perfect. They’ll project their own little lives onto that.
We have to stay competitive. Keep prices low.
“We’re expensive in the market.”
No - better: “We’re expensive compared to our competitors.”
Nice and vague. Who are our competitors? Who cares?
Just wave your arms, say, “We shouldn’t compare ourselves to Big Tech,” and pivot.
Now, reaffirm that we “stay committed” to the company’s goals… we never did get around to defining them. But you know, everyone should know them by now.
Oh! Throw in that the leadership team has been “revisiting the strategic vision” and that “we’re tracking well against our five-year plan.”
Then keep. Your mouth. Shut.
Don’t add a number. Don’t give anyone something to remember later.
Just “we’re tracking well.”
As if there’s some sort of plan!
Better make a quick mention of all those seniors that left. Nope! Not doing that.
Er… nod to our “strong hiring” and how we’re “excited to see so many new faces.” Faces that can barely shave.
Interns are people too - half-price people.
Then it’s a quick sign-off.
Hand off to the VPs to “deep dive into The Plan.”
Then it’s drinks.
Dinner at that steakhouse you like.
Expensed, obviously.
Now I remember why I do this.
Big smiles.
Showtime!
Clap for me, idiots.
