It’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually sat down and committed keyboard to screen. It’s not that the intention hasn’t been there - it has been, several times. Well most weeks if I’m honest, but I have this nasty habit where the usual time slot of Sunday mornings which is typically my best time to write. Instead of just picking up the laptop and committing to the thing, instead I end up reaching for the iPad and then YouTube consumes my life. Largely with a selection of vaguely educational things that have just enough interest to click upon, but never of sufficient detail that I feel like I’m left with any information that I didn’t have before going in.

This morning for instance, the boys had me awake and out of bed at 5:42 - I even grabbed the laptop as I left the bedroom - and yet, it’s still 8 o’clock and I’ve only just committed to the thing. Somewhere along the way, YouTube has stolen 2 hours of my attention. 2 hours that I had intended to do something productive with. 2 hours that I’m not getting back. 2 hours with which I cant really remember anything that I actually watched. Ironically the final video was a 40+ minute monolog pumped with self-promotional plugs of books and courses that ultimately boiled down the sentiment that one should just “do the thing”.

I feel like I end up mentally noting every weekend that this shall be the week where I finally turn it around and kick the YouTube habit - but I don’t. I came close this time last year after a week in the UK away from my normal habits and routines saw me take a week off of the service, only to realize that I hadn’t really missed out on anything of note.

Meanwhile, the guilt of having not read a book, or composed by thoughts lingers on. I always feel a certain catharsis for having had a session of writing, like it is the only real way that I can compose and refine my thinking on a topic - rather than simply getting trapped in the same old mental loops. Loops is the wrong metaphor. I find that my mental processes are more like well worn hiking trails around a mountain. There’s nothing stopping you climbing up the escarpment or walking over to the ledge - but there is a psychological cost, a burden on the brain, associated with not just blindly following the trail laid down before.

Anyway, enough self-aggrandizing. What actually changed this week?

Dietary improvement

Motivation

Similarly to my frustration with a lack of tangible results and committing to actually just doing the thing, I’ve been very frustrated with the lack of movement in the mild attention that I’ve been paying to some fat lose.

I recall a while back, and maybe that in of itself is telling that I dont know when exactly it was, I realized that it was 20 weeks out from race day. And as per last year, I would really rather like my weight to be under 90 kg for race day, and ideally more like 85 kg. Why 85 kg? Well based upon the arbitrarily decided upon metric that I set for myself, 85 kg would take me slam-bang into the middle of the “normal” BMI range - despite me being well aware of all of the flaws in BMI.

Mostly, I want to get to the point where I cant pinch a handful of flab on my gut. Objectively, I know that I’m a lot better than I was. Just on a simple waistline basis, I’ve been sustainably in 32 inch jeans for a good long while (whereas I was drifting up dangerously close to a 40 inch waist in grad school, and was struggling to get into 38s again during the Boeing years).

Part of this is driven by the desire to actually get under the infamously tricky 2 hour half-marathon time which has remained elusive to me so far - and of course an easy way to run faster is to just drag around less weight.

But no small part comes from my own mild form of body dysmorphia. Being chunky as a kid, has apparently left some lasting damage in there, and the last few years of lifting some weights have finally given me some shoulders and arms that I’m happy with - but the waistline remains.

Of course, I’m all too aware that I could get down to that number on the scale and then mentally move the goalposts. But at least by using the BMI number, I have a reasonably science backed number.

Action

Anyway, for the last week I’ve managed to restrict my calorie intake to around 1800 kcal/day regardless of the amount of activity I’ve been doing. Which, in theory, should put me on track to losing about half a kilo per week. Which again, in theory should get me to sub-90 by race day and even allow for a few cheat days along the way which will inevitable creep up over the summer when ice creams, terrace beers, BBQs and birthdays are abundant.

Francisation

The long delayed French fluency is top of mind again. Increasingly, I can’t help but feel like it’s blocking my utility and therefore progress within my organization.

In a classic Canadian move, nobody will objectively come out and tell me that it is a sticking point - I’m not even sure if they would even be allowed to legally - but the looming boogie monster feels closer than ever.

Recently, I was asked by one of the business directors asked if I could be on standby for a sales call with a major French retailer that is very interested in recycling one of our previous engagements. With the business director being a French expat, presenting to some Parisian business types I’m sure was nothing more than a call back to earlier in his career. But for me, should I have been called in for some technical discussion - that discussion I could not have performed in French. And given the nature of the “true” French audience (and not the typical Canadian French that is mostly bilingual), there was no telling that they would understand me in English either - leaving the business director left playing translator.

Is it a dealer breaker? No, probably not. But it certainly adds friction. And whilst many members of the scientific or software teams are Anglophones, it is apparent that zero members of the business teams are anything other than fluently bilingual.

Given that work is easing up again, it seems like now would be the ideal time to really try and push the fluency forward.

Back around January time, I was managing 3 or 4 hours a week of dedicated French time, albeit in a group class environment. And to be perfectly honest, looking back, that month or so of applied focus is really what pushed forward all of my gains.

I know that I should commit to doing the same thing again. Just block my calendar for an hour a day, for at least 4 days a week, and commit to attacking the French again.

The problem is that I just have no appetite to start.

I know that the first few sessions will be painful. Extremely painful. And frustrating. Frustrating as I rack my brain searching for words that have been forgotten, or feel like I should already know.

I also know that, the group classes whilst better than doing what I was doing previously (approximately nothing) - there were a good amount of every class where I wasn’t really doing anything. There were some classes where I felt like a complete novice and drowning compared to the advanced learnings in the room. And there were some classes where I felt like a total pro, and the other guys had no business being in that level class.

Which is to say, I know that to maximize results, I should not hide from learning in a group environment. I should just suck it up, and dive fully into private tuition.

My brain obviously rejects the notion, because (a) it involves spending some money, and being cheap is convenient way to distract away from probably the real reason (b) I’m scared of applying myself, embarrassing myself and being uncomfortable in something that I’m not good at.

The logical part of my brain knows that this is how one grows. How one improves. Personal development does not occur in one’s comfort zone. And yet, and yet… And yet I’ve delayed really attacking the problem for several weeks now with several excuses like “Oh it’s a short week this week, so I wouldn’t be able to do anything on Friday” or “Well work is definitely going to pick up next week, and this will be the first thing I drop”.

It’s just to mentally prioritize something that I know will be difficult, and therefore don’t want to do.

I think the only real solution therefore is accountability. I need to publicly declare my intention and then throw something out there that is big enough and scary enough to motivate me.

There’s one particular meeting of the week, where I’m clearly the only Anglophone, so I’m thinking that I should announce to that group that the meeting shall be in French only by the end of the summer. Again, that’s a bit too vague. Let’s back it definitive. End of September. In October that meeting shall be in French.

How to get there? Well I think some private tuition is inevitable. Some actual time with a language teacher, familiar with people acquiring the language, that can easily spot my weaknesses and give me drills to improve will likely yield a good return on investment.

This too would probably alleviate some of my fears. The perfectionism in me creeps in, particularly with French, particularly in an environment where ever French native has near fluency in English. I don’t want to be just getting by in French. I want to be as good, as I am at communicating ideas in English - and I’d really like to be able to do it without an accent. Is this an impossibly high standard? Probably.

But right now, participate in a meeting by the end of the summer is a reach but achievable.

Similarly, there are probably a few people that I can tap in the office, maybe for the equivalent of a half hour coffee chat. By flipping two or three people in the office to language assistants, I can bring myself up to over 5 hours of concentrated practice a week.

That will get me up and running, and I’m sure after a week or two, there will be a positive feedback affect whereby, the practice will make the French easier, which in turn means I use it more, because it’s more available and front of mind.