I’ve been thinking about parenting a lot recently. Having a new puppy in my life is an odd contrast to the traditional parenting that I know. Puppies come with the all the energy, curiosity and hyperactivity that comes from a toddler on a sugar high. But at the same time, just so, so dumb in frustrating ways. Smart enough to cause trouble, to quickly get bored. But too dumb to not be constantly nearly killing themselves. Knawing through cables, attacking the bleach, eating anything on the floor.
I have to say that I’m unimpressed.
And unlike human children, I just don’t feel that spark. I don’t want to pull faces and play with the puppy. It just feels like a burden. Another thing on the to-do list, another plate to keep spinning.
Meanwhile I’ve been reflecting upon my eldest. YouTube recommendations randomly served me a clinical psychologist last week talking of the diagnostic differences between ADHD (hyperactivity) and ASD (autism). I think over the years I’ve told myself the story so much that he isn’t autistic, as the diagnosis was so borderline, so long ago and under the conditions of a doctor doing us a favour, that it didn’t really apply.
But having a clinician so… clinically run through a list of symptoms for autism, it was pretty clear that he is textbook in almost all dimensions.
I realized that so many of the things that we, as parents, are constantly annoyed by - the constant forgetting, distraction, interrupting of conversations - well those might be clinical and not just frustrations of a regular child.
The whole thing has made me reconsider my relationship with him. Perhaps I need to readdress my relationship with him and meet him where he is. Love him for who he is. Not be frustrated by what he’s not.
Upon reflection I thought about this. Because he is mild enough, not obvious enough, he deludes you into thinking he’s a regular child. As I said to my parents yesterday, if he were a Downs kid, it would be obvious and you’d have different expectations from the get go. You’d treat him like a Downs kid and celebrate the little wins.
That isn’t to say that you stop trying to correct all the problematic behaviours. But maybe you do so with more grace.
Yesterday I took him to the Jurassic Park Live show and he was sort of hilarious. I had a running commentary in my ear the whole show. Every time a new dinosaur arrived I got a “Abba it’s not real. It’s a robot.” But every time an army guy arrived “Oh! Those are real people!”
When the villain of the piece fell off a high ledge “Oh! He’s dead”. Said with all the certainty of a mortician.
And yet, and yet, come the finale with T-Rex fighting army guys with flame throwers the suspension of disbelief was complete. He was completely transfixed. A beautiful moment to share.