What a terrible day. I genuinely haven’t felt this angry. Sustained. Through the whole day in what feels like forever. I’ve had bouts of frustration. I’ve been frustrated. But I haven’t felt a genuine anger and unjustness like this since I’ve been in Canada.
I’m not even sure, to call it anger is entirely enough. There’s just a resounding disappointment mixed in there too. Disappointment from a breach of trust.
I haven’t been giving all of my time, attention and focus to this project like I normally would. But I haven’t been able to. For a while there I was juggling three projects and it’s naive to think that I could properly give all three the usual sort of attention I would lavish on one. So instead I delegated. I occasionally checked in on people that I thought I could trust. And where has that trust gotten me? Working through long weekends. Contemplating how much sleep I actually need in a week. Clearing my calendar of anything that isn’t absolutely necessary.
I’ve complained before about the lack of understanding from teams for the need of clear documentation, extensive testing and an audit trail of decision making. And here I am again. Pulling late night heroics. For what? To save the reputations of those that got us here. Or is it more than that. Do I have a hero complex? A need to swoop in and save the day? Or is my ego terrified that I’ve flown too close to the sun and now my melting wings make me consider how far I have to fall?
I’ve been in tight spots before. But this time feels different. I guess, every time feels different. But I’ve never had the sense that millions of dollars are on the line and with that comes a certain feeling that this not being turned around would lead me rapidly into “find a new job” territory.
Good leaders take ownership. But every fibre in my being wants to run and point fingers.