In the last 2 days, 2 very odd things have happened.
Yesterday, happily working away around half an hour before lunch I was disturbing from my coding trance a sudden high pitched scream emanating approximately 2 meters to my right. Alarmed by the sudden screams of an Israeli woman, I thought with headphones on and zoning out the world to code I must have missed the “HOLY SH*T WE’RE ALL DOOMED, YES THAT NEW WORLD WAR HAS STARTED” alarm.
Suddenly, very alert and prepared to flee for my life knocking any manner of lesser men, women, small children or babies out of the way the screams of horror mutated in a gleeful expression of “IT’S RAINING !!!”.
Never in my entire life, including multiple trips through the Lake District and other Duke of Edinburgh adventures had I ever been less pleased to see rain. Most people would have simple been relieved that imminent death had been replaced with rain. But no, not I. I was pumped up on testosterone and adrenaline and about ready to punch someone in the face.
Rather non-plus (Kim can correct French spelling) about the whole thing, the Israeli’s did not understand my complete lack of ecstasy. I explained that when rain makes up approximately 300 days of any given typical year, the magic begins to wear off. Furthermore, what they were describing was little more than drizzle, it’s not proper rain until visibility is reduced to 100 m or so.
Of course being British in this circumstance meant that I could hold an entire conversation about the weather. The Israelis continued… last year, apparently, it rained non-stop for 5 days. I scoffed, “I’d call that a good summer”.
Still, to a country that is based upon the stealing and diverting of rivers, located in a desert, I suppose rain becomes somewhat of a big deal.
At this point the Frenchman to my left began to chirp up. He explained that the infrastructure here is useless and cant deal with rain adding in a delightful French accent “you will see”.
Sure enough, this took us to lunch. The rain had dramatically plunged the temperatures to the low 20s so I prepared myself my slipping my phone in my desk and walking to the door. I was promptly deemed as mad by the now terrified Israelis, who madly asked, but in the short 200 meters or so outside that wouldn’t I get exposure or some form of pneumonia.
Undeterred, I ventured out into the void. Quickly realising just what the Frenchman had meant about infrastructure. In a country of maybe 4 days of rain a year, there are no drains. Tarmac turns almost instantly to rivers. The soil being so sun-baked is almost impenetrable and so water runs off that too. In less than 20 minutes of rain I was near enough wading for lunch.
I survived. Barely. My t-shirt had changed in hue, my polished boots held strong. Just like a good Scout I had come prepared and my equipment got me through the worst.
Event 2 occurred today. Not so long ago. Maybe as little as half an hour ago. I’ll set the scene a little. It started just like any other day, I woke up, a few stretches, breakfast over Hebrew news. I go to work unassuming of what was yet to come. The day at work passes, not unlike so many other days at work (by which of course I mean it was utter sh*te, but it’s just being one of those weeks between work, wisdom teeth and people). I get home, I cook a meal. Little did I know how dangerous things were becoming.
When all of a sudden….
Out of nowhere….
I catch myself thinking….
“I’m a little nippy – maybe I’ll put a long sleeve T-shirt on”
I can tell you, it came as a surprise to me too. I was totally over come. I couldn’t believe what I was thinking. Surely this was madness.
Curious, I entertained the madness. I’m now regretting the decision, I’m a bit hot. Ah well!
Anyway, dear readers I thought I’d treat you tonight as I was digging about on an old hard drive earlier and found a real gem. I believe this to be a birthday invitation to one of my forever remembered birthday BBQs. I’m sure someone such as jackabussingly has them all stashed away somewhere and will remind of this exact year. But something to enjoy from my youth…
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
bon soir madames et messieurs,
buenas noches damas y caballeros,
guten abend damen und herren,
Buona sera signore e gentiluomini,
(My personal favourite; Russian) Добрый вечер леди и господа,
こんばんは紳士淑女の皆様 ,
And so on and so forth. The time is once more upon us to the celebrate the passing of one > more revolution of the sun in the pitiful existence that I continue to deem a life.
So I propose what better way than to rejoice and celebrate such mortality than with the ritual slaughter, tearing of flesh from bone, cremation and hence forth mastication of animals large, small, copious or at risk of extinction. Known to many as a “Bar-Be-Que”. Vegetarians may bring their own vegetables to torture and torment, many at the gathering small be able to assist should you not be appropriately equipped yourself.
And what I hear you cry must accompany a night of animal flesh. Well, gather around and I shall share my knowledge. Not only shall be indulge in gluttony of meat but once sloth ensues we shall turn toward alcohol to carry us through the night. Crazy!
So, whilst others are out rowing their boats to the super market I ask that you spare a poor thought for myself. And instead of shedding a tear or perhaps throwing yourself to the floor and weeping over the thought of what peril I may or may not be in. Pick yourself up some products of cow, pig, other as well as some waste product of anaerobic respiration of say the species Saccharomyces cerevisiae distilled most likely in hops, or sugar cane perhaps even potatoes. And then as our American cousins would have it said “get your key-ster over here”.
Being a kind, generous host that cares only enough for attendance by thineself and little else also extends mine house for those that wish to sleep the night due to reasons that would warrant otherwise non attendance. Such as that of automatic vehicular control or simply bone-idleness.
So, enough details aside, and can literally hear you all crying when is this most prestigious and esteemed event to take place? Well gather close and I shall tell.
Saturday the 11th of August, commencing from around the hour of 4. At my abode, which if some of you still don’t know is number _ of ______:
[maps link]
After last years events, may I ask a few things in addition. Once again, I shall provide all charcoal, fire lighting equipment, BBQing tools, bread rolls/baps, plastic cheese, condiments.
I ask that guests bring their own food that they wish for consumption, their own alcohol of choice. I also request that “plus ones” are kept to a minimum after the masses that descended last year and caused some quite serious damage and mess.
My final request is simple. If anyone at any point sees me without a drink, place one in it immediately.
If people further wish to provide birthday cake(s) and/presents then god bless their souls. And may you forever be prosperous. Fancy dress is also welcomed and actively encouraged. Your efforts will go completely unrewarded.
That is all. I await your RSVPs and beaming little faces on the day.
Yours truly, Morgan Prince of [house number] [road name].
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