The saga continues
Well I haven’t had a good night. Well a good few days really. This morning I was awoken 3 times by different phone calls. The first at half past one in the morning by a housemate that is currently away ringing to see where his mobile was then realising that ringing the house phone at uni is not the same as his mobile. The second time was at half past seven in the morning by the local county council phoning to ask me to do a questionnaire about antisocial behaviour in my area. How about phoning people so early in the morning being antisocial?
The third time I was awoken by the girlfriend. It started seemingly as just a conversation about how last night was for her, which actually was quite reassuring as I had some worries over the matter. For instance she couldn’t talk to me on the phone cos she was drinking down the pub after said she wouldn’t be drinking, so texting would have to do. I had about 2, after which I had a message saying that “I’ll text you when I get in as signals shit and don’t want to make you think I’m ignoring you.” Very sweet, I thought, apart from I use delivery reports and I knew there was no problem in her receiving any messages. But if she’s down the pub after work with some friends, a bit of socialising isn’t going to do any harm.
About an hour later I sent her a message saying I was going to bed and that I loved and the such. I got an instant response. “Night night”.
Anyway, I could quickly tell that there was obviously something wrong as she was barely speaking considering she’d just rung me. So I asked what was up.
I was told that she needed space. I was told, she couldn’t go on feeling guilty. It had meant that she had only got 3 hours sleep last night. I was told that she felt guilty when she wasn’t talking to me. She said that she had felt guilty yesterday about having to leave in the morning after turning up at 3 the day before to go to the circus with me. She said that she felt guilty for not having the time for me.
In short she needed space, space away from me. She said that she knows that I don’t believe in breaks so she’d rather have space now and beg for me back in a few weeks or something. “After all its not like I’m going to go off and sleep with another man”.
And the thing that pisses me off the most about this all is that this all stems from the fact I decided to tell her the truth. I decided to tell her the truth about me having some troubles with my dad, and the fact that he doesn’t really like her and thinks of her to well really be a bad influence. I think the phrase was I treat her like a child and I’ll get tired with her immaturity and want someone my own age.
I cant help but feel this is all because she doesn’t want to deal with my father. I man she has only seen 2 maybe 3 times, its like he’s in the relationship. And its not like my problems with him stem from her. The fact is the problems with him were there before she was, she’s simply a vessel for him to concentrate his anger on rather than the actual root of the problem. Which ever increasingly I believe to boil down to the fact that I am now independent and now he does not have a direct influence on my life and I do not always take his advice. I make my own decisions based upon my own knowledge.
So, my opening up and telling the one I love my thoughts and feelings, she has responded by putting space. By telling her about the problems with my dad. By telling her when she was here for that one night how much I loved her, and how I would love her to spend more time with me, and that I was sad to see her leaving so soon. I feel I’ve just been slapped in the face. I remember that night she was here “I could marry you right now”. Distance is hard, I knew that, and she wanted to make it work, even more than I to some extent. I cant help but at least feel a little betrayed.