Life currently


Well life is several things so we are told. I only agree with one of the common place sayings. Life is hard. Plain and simple. Just when I thought it was about time I got a break, a bit of a let off life comes along and takes another fat bite out of my arse. And supposedly bottling things up is not healthy for us so consider this to be my cleansing of mind, body and soul. So, let me start with why I’m writing on a website, with no record of my name, why I haven’t chosen to myspace my life or taken to the shelter of a book. Well the answer to that my friend is simple. I cant. I used to use the wonders of a friend network site to do all of blogging and whilst it was very nice sometimes to have words of encouragement from my friends over matters in my life it also proved to be more hassle than it was worth.

Let me explain. I basically started a disastrous relationship through a series of blog entries and messenger chats as she broke up with one of my closest friends of the time. Subsequently that relationship ended through a very similar process. My first then epically long, first serious adult relationship came very shortly afterwards. We spent 9 months together in what I believed was a very happy time for both of us. Unfortunately this ended for she lost interest in me and her love was not directed at me anymore. Which I could understand, I knew something was wrong for the week before she actually sat me down and had the conversation that ended us. I took it very well at the time, I didn’t cry. She did. I even supported her through it telling her that she had done the right thing.

The following weeks were very difficult for me, just before my A level exams, and then the prom. Not only were we on the prom committee together meaning that we still had to be civil, I had the joys of seeing my very recent ex that I still had feelings for dressed up and looking stunning. She then decided in her drunken state that crashing the after-­prom party that I was attending was a good idea. That night was terrible for me. She tried to have an argument with me over something seemingly unimportant which I sure was probably meant as civil conversation. As a result, I found myself kissing and then later (having just walked the ex home) messing around with one of my close friends.

This messing around developed into sex. I couldn’t at the time distinguish between sex and love, she could. This led to terrible feelings of trying to love this new girl, after a little while and honesty, I started to see the relationship as purely sex and keeping the friendship separate. Alas, as I started to see it as only sex she did the opposite and started to actually feel for me. It all got terribly complicated, especially when another girl that my heart longed for got involved. And as you’d expect my blog took quite a hammering over this time, just so that I could have some sort of logically outlet for my brain so that I could actually know how I was feeling.

This led to another problem unbeknown to me the original ex that had started the whole thing off had me reading my entries to the blog and hadn’t really been liking what she had heard. For some reason she, at the end of the summer, decided that she really wanted a second chance. Presumably from having another boyfriend over the summer it turned out that maybe I wasn’t so bad after all. I umm­ed and ahh­ed about it cos on the one hand I did want her back even then, on the other hand it was less than a week before we’d be going off to different universities to live presumably very different lives.

Cowardice or wanting meant that my decision was to try and make the distance relationship work. And I suppose it kind of did for a few months, we only saw each other once a fortnight for 2 nights and then we’d be away again. The problem was at Christmas when it became apparent that we weren’t really working, but nothing was said, and it was left until January. When the split happened. And it was one of the worst days of my life. There were tears. There were hurt feelings but on my return to Nottingham I had a friendly face waiting for me at the train station. And there was a large blog about that day which has come back to haunt me a little, for that friendly face turned out to be a best friend and girl friend.

Granted she didn’t become a girlfriend officially for another 7 months but really we were there albeit for a long time before that. And at the time I didn’t think she saw me as a boyfriend so I had it my head that I must only be a friend to her and that all of her advances was my head seeing things that I wanted to see and not actually there. And the number of times I’ve heard since that I never really liked her is countless.

And now I have the girl of my dreams. But alas there are a lot of things that I’d like changed, but such is any relationship. And that doesn’t bother me. My problem is that I don’t actually have anyone to talk my problems out with. In Nottingham I have a distinct lack of friends, and for the most part that doesn’t actually bother me at all, in fact I’m quite happy like that, cos damn it, if uni has taught me anything its that 90% of the world are pricks and will screw you over if they can for their own personal gain.

No worse than that. Right now I’ve just got off a phone call from the girlfriend and I feel like she is one of those. It’s times like these I seem to give all that I possibly can to her and all she does in return is throw it back in my face and ask for more.

Take the current example. Previously its always been that I don’t defend her enough, I don’t defend her honour especially from people like my brother. So when yesterday I received a text message seemingly in tears about something my brother had said, something that she couldn’t talk to me at the moment about, something she couldn’t say, or even talk to me anymore, only that my brother had said something. And when I asked had he at least been discreet I got no response.

I naturally thought the worst had happened. So as soon as I got home I got on the phone and asked him (quite aggressively admittedly) what the hell he had done. And to send me the messenger log of the conversation. I had a brief conversation with my father, summarising the raw facts as I knew them at the time, whilst…